Until I became a homeowner–in 2005, in Chicago–I didn’t realize trees needed maintenance. And I’m not talking about those fancy designer trees that someone’d, like, put in a pot outside a store and then you’d plant it in your own backyard soil. Like the kind Romney’s got illegals attending to now in Belmont. Not that kind of tree. I’m talking about those trees that-just-stand-there-and-do-nothing trees. Big ol’ trees. Turns out, they occasionally need cleaning up.

We, as Americans, are all about clean. Clean this, clean that. Water and air. Yeah, yeah. We’re sanitized, or as I like to say, hand sanitized. That sounds an awful lot like hand Satanized to me. Just saying. Let’s face it, we’re too clean. We clean with stuff that isn’t clean, that’s how clean we are. Am I right that the clean clean stuff just doesn’t clean? We’re so clean, we wash dirty clothes–together. Only then do they become clean. So, as it turns out, a negative plus many negatives, equals a positive. I like that. Hey, Reggie, make a note to get Ed Olmos to do that line for me as Jaime Escalante, okay?

Clean clean. Right. Clean … Pigs eat slop. Since the beginning of time, I’m told. The chickens we eat, well they eat their own excrement. What’s that say about us, right? We eat shit eaters and we smoke the unleaded dirt pipe everyday when we take a run to the food mart. Right? We’ve got the V8 Rover with lacrosse stickers on it. We efficiently grab some Reds … or chew, a couple scratchies, and a Rajon Rondo Limited Edition Red Bull. Americans are hard workin’ folks. We’re the salt of the earth and the earth is plenty salty.

HEY! And that’s a long vowel “ay,” like in McConaugHEY. The great sage. Food marts … right. Food marts are as American as Donald Trump’s hairpiece–although the verdict’s still out on that thing–and he still hasn’t released a receipt. That mop is dirtier than Karl Rove’s election night boxers. Which brings me back to the trees.

So you’re probably wondering, why were those trees dirty? Now look, you’re gonna laugh. Well, turns out they weren’t dirty after all. Turns out, some squirrels had been harassing me. The squirrels on Greenwood Ave. are fatter than Newt Gingrich after practicing cannibalism on Rush Limbaugh. I’d be mowing and they’d be dropping stuff on me. Then there were the worms that were just relentless on my Ford Escape Hybrid. Reggie, don’t forget to leave me with a full tank of gas at the end of my second term–that shit’s gonna be expensive in four years! And then there were leaves too. Just menacing they way they’d always fall. But that’s a story for my Inaugural Address–and then for later, when Oliver Stone uses it for the Pacino soliloquy in “Any Given Sunday II.”

Yeah, yeah–Bruce’ll be playing the Inauguration. Reagan’s been dead long enough that Bruce is actually gonna do “Born in the U.S.A.” … for Trump’s hairpiece. Bet you Romney’s ten grand that thing was made in China.